Kyle Massey

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:03:54 GMT

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 11:58:50 GMT

seriously...grow the fuck up.

the end.

"What You Wish For"

Mon, 19 May 2008 04:46:19 GMT

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Ich Werd' Die Welt Verändern" ("I'm Gonna Change The World") - Revolverheld

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Unknown" - Iris (weeeeird)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Love Like Winter" - AFI

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Military Fashion Show" - And One

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Forgotten Tears" - Hocico

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Face The Music" - Conjure One

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Consequence" - Assemblage 23

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
"Castles In The Sky" - Ian Van Dahl

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"More Love" - The Dixie Chicks

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"40 Kinds of Sadness" - Ryan Cabrera

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Glass Danse" - The Faint

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Less Talk More Rokk" - Freezepop

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Starlight" - Freezepop (that would actually be frickin sweet!)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"This Distance" - Imperative Reaction

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Vielleicht" ("Maybe") - Annett Louisan (PEEEEERFECT!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"I Don't Give A Damn" - Avril Lavigne (haha)

WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS?
"What You Wish For" - Guster

ok, so that was a waste of a few minutes...it's funny how dark some of that came out...oh, life!

:)

Thu, 15 May 2008 17:42:37 GMT

Here we go, take a bow
Because we're over now
You were not there for me
When I needed you and honestly

I think I loved you more
If that's possible
I think I loved you more

It's over now and I can't save you
Some things are better left unsaid
And all the promises I made were so stupid
Maybe we'll be able to be friends
If that's possible

This song just came on...and I haven't listened to it in probably 4 or 5 months...but feeling the way the song describes is exactly why I feel justified in being an asshole at times. Plain and simple.

if it makes me an asshole...

Thu, 15 May 2008 16:32:49 GMT

I'm more than ok with that 8-) At least I wasn't hiding in said closet!

And really when the word "asshole" is involved, people who live in glass houses shouldn't be throwing stones, eh?

ps - I leave for Germany in two weeks!!

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 06:19:35 GMT

Damaged and forgotten
Thanks to you
You fucking failure
It's dying in the haze
That used to be a fire
So let the actuality
Lose it all and fall again
And let your obstinance prevail
Fractured conclusions
Where everything relies on you
Weakened by the habit
Of never coming through
So many questions
You cannot answer
But this will never change.

hmmm...

Merry(?) Christmas!

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 08:09:51 GMT

It's been awhile, yes? Lately I've been getting the impulse to blog a lot more...I guess we'll see what comes of that. But for now let's just get into the topic at hand...

WHY I DON'T LIKE CHRISTMAS

Ok, so I know what you're thinking: "Here comes a whiney post about all the little things that bother Kyle, that we all also have to deal with."...and to an extent, yes that's what this. But seriously, this was by far the worst Christmas (and by that I mean, the one with the least amount of redeeming factors/moments...because none of them in recent memory have been "good") ever! I know everyone has family shit or stress around the holidays that they would rather not deal with, or that they wish was different. I, however, am coming to the realisation that this time of year just isn't generally a happy time for me.

Most of it has to do with my family. Now, before I get into this I would like to say that I realise that some people have it WAY worse than I do when it comes to family troubles. What bothers me the most though is just how little I have in common with almost every member of my extended family in terms of social/political, cultural, religious, moral and intellectual issues...I just got back from Spain two weeks ago, but was my family even remotely interested? No, because they know absolutely nothing about Spain! Two thirds of them probably couldn't even find it on a map, but it wouldn't have mattered because I travelled outside of the good ol' US of A, so who cares, right? I'm a fourth year student at the largest university in the country, majoring in Music Education and German, but do most of them even a) know that or b) care? No...Music is a poor/gay person's occupation and German is the Nazi language. And on top of the fact that I really have nothing (that I even remotely care about) to talk to them about, I'm forced to listen to/participate in the same fucking stories and conversations ever year. I hear the same thoughts and opinions on the same topics every year...to the point that I can almost predict who's going to say what, and in which order! It's just so mind-numbing!

Our "family" gatherings - basically a merging of my grandfather's kids from two marriages and their kids, and his second wife's extended family - feel like something that I will just never fit in at. There are usually quite a few people at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even though I'm technically related to most of them through more divorces and re-marriages than actual blood, most of these marriages and such happened before I was even born. Despite this and the fact that they've known me since I was literally a baby, most of the adults other than my grandfather, his wife, my mom, my mom, her two brothers and their wives and my dad have never really spoken to me...to the extent that I think they would probably have trouble remembering my name if I were to see them out and about...which would never happen anyway! I can't say that this really bothers me per se, I just think it's another really fucked up thing about my family.

Also, it doesn't really help me feel anymore welcome in a house full of crazy-conservative Southern Baptists who never swear, drink or even talk about these things, and who also belittle and mock gays (and just about every other minority) whenever they get the chance. I don't think this would really bother me all that much (seeing as how I'm not really emotionally invested in most of these people that make up our "family" anyway) if it weren't for the fact that apparently I'm getting to the age when I should be bringing a girl around or whatever. My cousin just got married about a year ago...she works at a hospital (but not like smart people hospital work) and he works at Starbuck's. They're both 21. Neither of them attended or has any plans to attend college. They live with her parents...yet the whole family ranted and raved about how happy they were for them. Seeing as I'm the first child from my generation of grandkids (I'm NOT the oldest, btw) to even ATTEND college, this sort of offends me.

My family will never be happy for me and whoever I end up spending my life with, that's something I just have to accept. Being happy for a gay person is just something that they could never wrap their minds around. I was never a violent juvenile delinquent who is now basically a drifter/compulsive liar. I didn't get kicked out of high school for brandishing a knife at someone for making fun of my last name. I'm not 22 years old and still obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, Transormers and the like...I turned out fairly normal I'd say. But I'm gay, so I really have no place in this family, and that it made clearer and clearer every year. Like I said, it's not really that big of a deal to me, but these people are so damn good at faking!

Of course I've known since before I was even out to myself that gays were not well-liked in my extended family, so obviously, outside of the only other two cousins who have a chance at making something of themselves (my two saviours at family functions!), I haven't come out to any of them because I know it would cause more drama for my mom and dad than I feel is necessary, especially given how apathetic I generally feel towards the family. What really bugs me though is just how interested some of them act in my life and how nice they can be, when I know that they would pull a complete 180 if they knew I was a pickle sniffer.

It just fucking sucks to know that the people who are supposed to love and support you through anything, no matter, really wouldn't give two shits about me if they actually knew anything about my personal life. I know a lot of people loathe the holidays because of things very similar to this...I just felt like becoming one of those people who vocalises it.

I just don't get how I am who I am with all these people as examples....

- Kyle

PS - Upon re-reading this, I realise just how extremely bitter it comes across...which is fine, really. Some of the things that I hate about this time of year and being around my family are especially hard right now...but that's a topic for my end of the year post in a few days.

I don't really wish to slam any of the members of my family personally because I really do love some of them, and they have been good to me, but even with a lot of them...I still feel like they'd only love the me they see, not the real person who doesn't hold people to this pre-conceived notion of how all people should be, unless they want to go to Hell.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 07:31:51 GMT

"No matter what we must go on...Just keep the faith...And let love lead the way..."

I don't know...

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 17:57:15 GMT

Yeah, it's definitely been awhile, and to be honest, this entry has been brewing inside me for quite awhile. Before I even get started, I can already say that i know this entry will be long and esoteric. My history has shown me the danger in trying to completely vocalise (I guess this isn't technically vocal, but whatever) feelings that I don't totally understand...so I won't...

I've used the word "duality" to describe my life before, which most people probably didn't even understand...because I try not to let them. Honestly, I have no reason NOT to be as truly happy as most people probably think I am all the time. I had an excellent quarter in school (the best yet, actually), I'm currently in the longest relationship I've ever had, living in the house in columbus has been even more fun than I could have imagined and just so many other things that would/should bring someone's satisfaction with life through the roof...and here's where my first conflicting statement of this entry comes in...I AM happy, maybe happier than I've ever been. The problem is just that over the past few months I've realised just how truly emotionally retarded I am.

I went for a really long drive in the middle of nowhere last night, which is something I REALLY miss about living in Columbus. I love the feeling of just driving with my music up really loud with no one else around. It's one of the best ways to think. Last night I made a point to just listen to whatever song came to mind at the moment...which in and of itself is slightly conflicting, because if I'm TRYING not to think about something, then theoretically I AM thinking about it, but whatever...After I got home I started thinking about all the songs I had semi-subconciously chosen to listen to, and basically all that did was confirm that I'm crazy. I listened to both some of the happiest and saddest song I know...songs about love, heartbreak, independence, friendship, rage and everything in between. And even though that sounds so random, There hasn't been a day lately when I haven't felt some form of all of these emotions and more.

I used to think that one of my strongest points was my resiliency, and if you ask anyone who knew me well in high school, they would probably tell you that (with few exceptions) when shit happened to me, I didn't let it bother me, and if it did, I was over it within a matter of hours, or a day or two max. As I've gotten older (and maybe wiser, but that's debatable, really) it's been really hard to watch myself almost totally lose this...or is it this sense of "resiliency" I had in the past was really a better ability to run from the things that hurt me? I'm leaning towards the former...with a specific example in mind. Without going into too much detail, I spent about 6 months hiding from dealing with my feelings about a deep and serious, but short-lived relationship in high school, in which everything I had ever thought or envisioned about myself or love in general was trampled on...however, that was over 3 years ago, it doesn't feel right to keep blaming all my self-esteem, insecurity and emotional problems on one guy, one relationship. But I can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me! When all this first came up about six months after the relationship ended, I lost the ability to trust new people...since then things have changed, but not really the way I would've hoped. I've learned that it's become WAY too easy for me to trust people that really pose no emotional "threat" to me, which almost sounds like I've learned to care about people I don't need to "worry" about...and on the other hand, I'm still so reluctant to trust people I should, people who have done nothing but be there for me, put up with my shit from the day they met me and have genuinely earned it...

Another thing that's been weighing on me pretty heavily lately is the feeling that I can't say what I really feel to certain people. I know that if it's how I truly feel then I should just get it out, but along with all these issues has grown a fear of not being what people want from me. Which even as I type this disgusts me. I have NEVER, EVER been a "crowd pleaser." I have always done and thought what I wanted and not really given a damn what other people thought..but as time goes on, I can actually feel myself growing more and more anxious when it comes to saying or doing something (in certain situations, with certain people) that might alienate me or upset them...there is also another really important facet of this...which the person it's aimed at doesn't need to read online, but from me directly...if I can ever do it...

There's so much more I could go into, but I just don't feel like it. I feel like this entry has turned into both a cry for help and a plea to leave me alone (see, there's this duality thing again), neither of which is what I want. With only a couple exceptions, I don't really want anything in my life to change...outside my own mind...

Like I said, I know this is probably the stupidest, whiniest entry ever...and I don't even know if it would bother me if no one ever read it...I just needed a vent, and when I try to talk to most people about this kinda stuff (or the specifics entailed here) I come off whiney, pathetic or annoying...which this all is...and I'm aware of it...

So, in conclusion...I'm a fucking retard...but you all knew that already...

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

:)

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 06:35:37 GMT

It's still all good...maybe even better :-D

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 06:01:17 GMT

Things are good right now! The End. :)

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 15:17:35 GMT

So, i thought this was fun...and I also made a CD of it!!

SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE:

• Opening Credits: "In This Together" - Apoptygma Berzerk
• Waking Up: "Sunrise" - Angel City
• Average Day: "Freak Out" - Avril Lavigne
• Crush: "Catch Your Wave" - The Click Five
• First Date: "That Thing You Do" - Busted
• Falling In Love: "You Found Me" - Kelly Clarkson
• Fight Scene: "If I Fall You're Going Down With Me" - Dixie Chicks
• Long Drive: "Exit To Exit" - Ryan Cabrera
• Feeling Lonely: "You're Not Alone" - Shayne Ward
• Being Cheated On: "Left Outside Alone" - Anastacia
• Breaking Up: "Hear Me Out" - Frou Frou
• Getting Back Together: "I Can't Let You Go" - Ian Van Dahl
• Life's Okay: "When I Grow Up" - Garbage
• Singing With Friends: "That's The Way It Is" - Celine Dion
• Party Scene: "Pass That Dutch" - Missy Elliot
• Depression: "Sorrow Expert" - Iris
• Deep Thought: "Hide & Seek" - Imogen Heap
• Flash Back: "Will You Know?" - Echo Image
• Closing Credits: "She (Lyric-less)" - Groove Coverage

real update soon...

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 04:21:56 GMT

Work today was actually really fun! My shift was totally retarded...ok so...the opener of the Service Desk is typically there from 8-4:30 and the closer from 4:30-close. Well, I was scheduled from 2:15-7:30, which is just a dumb shift to begin with, on top of the fact that that put me in the middle of two people's shifts up there. Well, the girl working the photo lab wasn't feeling well so I ended up going over there to cover for her until the closer came in around 5. When Adam got there, I headed over to Food Ave. to start training over there, thereby completing my knowledge of the front end...well...I ended up getting called all over the place to cover breaks/lunches/etc...and normally that kinda stuff annoys me, but it was different today. I literally did everything up front: Service Desk, Photo Lab, Cashiering and Food Ave...I felt all useful and shit!!

The premiere of Project Runway 3 was tonight!!!!! OMG I've never been so excited about a TV show ever!! I was so nervous about this season too...I just had trouble believing they could top last season. It's only been one episode so far, but I really, really liked what I saw. I totally called who was gonna get cut...the winner really surprised me though. Oh well! I think this cast has a good dynamic...namely because within the first 10 minutes I was in love with some of them and already HATED others! I finally get my Wednesday fix back...this is gonna be great!! :)

I'm so ready for this weekend and next week. Katie's bday party is Saturday, which will no doubt be amazing...and Megan's party on Tuesday will definitely be one of the highlights of the summer!!

I have to work 5-10 in the Photo Lab tomorrow, which'll be fun. I learned a couple new things while i was over there by myself today, so I'm not as nervous anymore. Lemme tell ya, it's NOT easy changed a roll of photo paper when you have to stick everything (including your hands and arms) into a big black bag and you're not allowed to take them out til you're finished!! That should be nice...of all the front-end jobs, Photo Lab is definitely the lowest stress...which I'm all about these days!

Alright, I'm out...stay cool, kids! 8-)

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 06:37:22 GMT

So...3 months and another new layout...yeah, that's me...

Ok, so this summer is flying by, yet at the same time managing to be extremely boring. I seriously feel like all I ever do is sleep and work. I guess it's not all that bad. I'm getting a lot of hours at Target and I love working there...ever since my move up to Service Desk I really feel more important around that place, and for the first time in my life, I'm really able to take some pride in the work I do because I really feel like it affects a team as a whole...and that's just a cool feeling...I guess...

But yeah, like I said, this summer has been extremely lackluster. Aside from the occasional party or outing, I really don't do much when I'm not working. Almost everyone I hung out with on a regular basis during the school year either went home or abroad for the summer...I'm über-jealous...At least Katy, AP and a few others are still around, that's helped a lot!

I cut my finger pretty badly at work last night...long story short: Broken glass lamp + my finger = lots and lots of blood. It really didn't hurt at all at the time, maybe the adrenaline rush of realising that my finger was literally spraying blood kept me from feeling any pain, but yeah it really sucks today! And, of course, it's right on the tip of my finger so most things hurt...whatever...I'm a big boy, I'll survive.

I actually had a day off today, which was weird...Seriously, when I don't work I have like no clue what to do with myself...lol. I ended up at Target (I live there, ps) to print out a pic of Katie and me to frame for her bday...it was like perfect for our friendship...we're drunk, making stupid faces and wearing silly hats....yeah, thats us!!

Later in the afternoon, Katie, Kuj, Julia and I went out to dinner at TGI Friday's for Katie's birthday, it was a nice change of pace but I ended up eating a little too much and I've pretty much felt all wonky since dinner...PORTION CONTROL! Anyway, Katie is having a party this weekend, which I couldn't be more excited about. It's been far too long since I've been to a truly good party and I love my wifey...so it should be good.

I have to work 2:15-7:30 tomorrow, which is like the stupidest shift ever, but I'm actually not gonna complain because that means I don't have to miss the premiere of the new season of Project Runway....ps - OMG! I've never been so excited about a show ever!! I have to admit I'm a little nervous though, I just don't know how they could top season two...it won't be the same without the likes of Nick, Chloe, Daniel V. and (as much as I HATE HATE HATE him) Santino!! At least I'll get my weekly fix again!!

That's about all I've got for now...My life does look like it'll get a little bit more exciting in the next few weeks. I'm going home for a couple days next week for Megan's party and to visit with my grandparents who will be in town. Then the week after next I'm working at my first of two band camps for the summer, so, while those may not actually be "fun" at least it'll be something different and good experience for my major...blah blah blah...and I'll make a decent amount of money from it! :)

Ok, so since I really have nothing else to keep on top of this summer, I'm thinking I could see myself updating semi-regularly...but I guess we'll see...

(and yes, I know I've used Apoptygma Berzerk for layouts like 239420934 times before, but I don't care what anyone says, Stefan Groth is HOTT...in some weird, gritty, grungy, norwegian way...I'd so have his babies!!)

(PS - Halogen has a new design...check it out!)

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

music...

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:19:52 GMT

So...I'm really, really bored...and i thought this thing was cool. So, here is a very random, very incomplete list of my very favourite albums of all time, from very recent to VERY old...um comment or something...?

The Downward Spiral	Airdrawndagger	Miss E... So Addictive	Enema Of The State	Candyass
Details	Chillout Session 2006	Speak For Yourself	Star to Fall Pt.1	Fly
Cliche	A Girl Like Me	Strain	Behind the Sun	Mechanical Animals (Explicit Cover)
Redemption	Lost and Gone Forever	7 Years & 50 Days	Version 2.0	Fancy Ultra Fresh
Present for Everyone	Greetings from Imrie House	Welcome	Turn It Around	Casting Shadows
Shakedown!	No Sleep Demon, Vol. 2	Gelb	Ophelia	Far Away
Welcome to Earth	United States of Mind	Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast)	Maschine Zeit	Lost & Found
Compuphonic	Awakening	Failure	Futureperfect	Evoke

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 03:40:21 GMT

So, I apologise for the lack of update-ages, the end of the week/this weekend were a little crazy...Friday afternoon I left for Hocking Hills with my fellow HRC-ers for our E-Board retreat. Now, I made no secret beforehand of how NOT excited I was about going. The timing just kinda sucked. I missed a couple parties I really, really wish I could've gone to and it just seems like my entire life has been consumed by HRC, which I guess I should've expected when I ran for Co-Chair, but I guess I was just a little overwhelmed...Overall though, the retreat wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. The down time ending up being a lot of fun...the business side of the weekend was just as unproductive and mundane as I thought it would be, but oh well. I got some really pretty pictures of the trails and stuff, those will probably be posted somewhere sometime.

Saturday night, after we finished all official business, we kind of decided we didn't really need/want to spend another night out in the middle of nowhere (none of us had ANY cell phone signal, which blows), so we packed it up and headed back to Cbus early. At first I was excited cuz I thought it would give me the chance to still go out last night, but by the time we got back here and settled in, I pretty much I was too tired to do anything anyway...yeah, I'm lame like that!

Today, I didn't really do much of anything. I finished my homework A LOT faster than I had anticipated which led to a lot of boredom, really. I did get to have lunch with Rebecca at Donato's, which was nice! :) I hung out with Michael this evening. We finished up this season of "The L Word" that he had DVR-ed. That show is soooooooo drama-full, I love it! I'm totally hooked! I can't wait for next season! I'm about to peace here, back to the real world of class at 7:30. I've decided I really, really, really MUST push myself this quarter, especially with my playing. I do actually have to jury at the end of the year, which I haven't done since last Spring!! Also, Pyne pretty much decided that he thinks I can handle The Weber - "Concertino" which is going to kick my ass, but it'll be good for me, right? :-\

Oh well, that's all for now...hope everyone has a good Monday!!

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 04:15:22 GMT

Alrighty, well this update is gonna be über-short because I'm seriously about to pass out here in like 2 seconds. This whole "class-at-7:30-four-days-a-week" thing is wreaking havoc on me!! I'm so not used to getting tired at 11 o'clock...I feel like I'm missing out on something by going to bed this early every night...I dunno...it's not like when I stay up til 1 or 2 in the morning that I actually do anything...it's just weird....oh well.

Classes are alright. Percussion and Oboe are just general methods classes, i think both of them should be pretty easy. I'm slowly starting to get a little more confident in Theory...even though I still hate the music with all my soul!! I really think I'm going to like Michaela's approach to stuff in Aural too, which is re-assuring because I usually feel so overwhelmed in that class.

Well like I said, I'm drifting off just sitting here, so that's all for now....long day tomorrow...I need sleep!!

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 04:27:20 GMT

So, first day of SP06 wasn't so bad, i suppose. Maybe it was just because it was the first day, but getting up at 6:15 this morning wasn't TOO horrible, but I know it'll get much, much harder. I have this fear that Aural with Michaela is going to be really, really hard...but I'll learn alot...because that's just how classes with her are. I have Michaela again right after that for Theory. Have i ever mentioned how much I absolute abhor 20th Century music...seriously, if Arnold Schönberg were still alive, I would kill him. No joke! I personally feel music, as an artform, reached it's first real peak during the Baroque and Classical (<3 Mozart) eras, and most of the developments sense then have been attempts to fix conventions that weren't broken. Seriously, why did anyone ever think that atonality was a good idea?!...oh wait, like 4 people did...and look how far it got them!!...right...anyway sorry....back to the update. Overall I think my classes will be tolerable this quarter. I just have to keep in mind that this is the last time I ever have to take Theory, Aural or History ever!! :)

After classes today I resisted the temptation to nap because a) i always nap for much longer than i intend to and b) it probably wouldn't help me sleeping at all tonight...Randy and I worked out for the first time in awhile, which felt really awesome. I really wanna bust my ass this quarter and make more progress. I feel like after the (very little) intial changes I started seeing at the end of Fall, very little has happened since I started working out semi-regularly...sadness! PS - I'm way excited that's warming up because I'll finally be able to go on runs outside without freezing my hands and fingers off!!

Tonight was rather uneventful, after I got home from the gym I just kinda relaxed and ate some dinner. I just got in from Sara's. We decided to hang out for a bit because we hadn't seen each other since before break. I love that girl!! :) She bought me some amazing Martini glasses...to replace my other set of four, three of which got broken after only one use!! We played "Jenga: Truth or Dare" it was pretty fucktarded, but hey, at least we can say we did it, right?!

Oh well, I'm off to bed...tomorrow is a marathon: Class from 7:30-2:30 with no breaks!! Tomorrow afternoon I need to make a trip to the Percussion store to pick up my stuff for class...so uh...that should be exciting...I dunno...yeah!

[CLONED FROM HALOGEN!]

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 03:58:23 GMT

Ok, so I had yet to post in 2006, after that rather abysmal New Years post...but I've actually thought a lot about things, and I've pretty much decided I miss posting in a blog/journal regularly. And yeah, I've also said that a million times before, but there's just something about the feeling I used to get back in the day when I was posting almost every day. It was a place where I could just post my general thoughts about whatever had happened since the last time I came around. Sure, like I said before, it came to almost feel like a personal obligation, which is the main reason I essentially abandoned this place for so long...but the venting effect posting had is what I miss. There were things I posted that I would never say to my friends...not because they were things I didn't want them to know, but rather because they sometimes were just things I would never have thought to say. I've come to the conclusion that I need this space to vent...yeah...that sounds right. I just think that having a place (again) to just allow my stream-of-consciousness self run free, even if only through a few words, could be a really good thing...so...let's give it a whirl:

Again, since I've been so bad about updating, it seems like everytime I do come here, I have so much to say that I end up getting overwhelmed and saying pretty much nothing. So much has been going on lately...it's a little insane. I'm officially 2/3 done with my second year of college...SCARY! Next quarter is going to kick my ass. I'm just not a morning person and having a class @ 7:30am four days a week just isn't going to sit well with my body...I'm not even going to try to be optimistic about it. Eh, I'll survive. The last two quarters have been my strongest since I've been here, which is really good and has me feeling really good, and I've set a (rather lofty) goal for myself this quarter...which I'm not sharing with anyone...competing with grades is such a high school thing and I really don't think my GPA should matter to anyone but me (and maybe the University...hehe)

Well, Spring Break was last week. Rebecca, Joanna and I packed it up and headed to Daytona Beach for a few days. It was so amazing to just do nothing but chillax on the beach. I needed it soooooo badly, and I have some colour now, which doesn't happen to often! :) We stayed with a couple of Joanna's friends @ Stetson University...Smaller than my high school, mascot is a hat...I'm so glad I didn't go to a small school. Regardless, the people were so nice and it was the perfect Spring Break for me...

A lot of other things are going on, but I...uh...don't feel like typing them all out (with the exception of one, next paragraph ;]), but since I've officially decided to become a regular blogger again, these situations shouldn't present themselves anymore, right? Haha...we'll see, i guess...

So, after months of being caught in every boy in Columbus' game of "Make Kyle think you're interested in him and then tell him you only want friends" I can (cautiously) say I think I've met someone who might work out. His name is Chris. His spontaneity and goofiness is almost hard to keep up with sometimes...and i absolutely love it! Since I hate people who gush all the time, I'm gonna stop right now...but just know...I'm a happy boy right now

Seeing as I have class in 8.5 hours, I should probably start considering bed. Ugh, I haven't been to bed before midnight in YEARS and I really just don't think I can, but I guess I ought to at least try...this quarter has the potential to make me a very grouchy person!!

A quick favour to anyone who may actually read this...let me know either on LJ or at Halogen. I don't really care, per se, I'm just curious...I have my vent space back and I wanna see who's interested! ;)

[PS - The layout still needs some tweaking and I'm going to completely overhaul the links...as most of them are dead anyway...some day!!]

[CLONED FROM: HALOGEN!!]

The Obligatory 'End-Of-The-Year' Post!

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 23:59:22 GMT

Well, as I've started most of my entries this year...It's been awhile! Four and half months to be exact, but who's counting? I don't really know what happened this year. I just...detached. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I don't, but I really don't think about it that much. My only real intent with this entry is to confirm to people that I don't converse with too often that, yes, I am alive and also just to vent.

Unfortunately, this year's send off will be nothing like the amazing year that was 2003. I didn't do this last year either, for some reason. Two-thousand four ended on very, very unstable emotions and circumstances, and I almost feel like 2005 never really got past that. Don't get me wrong, there were definite positives this year, it just seems like the weekly ShitFests got more of my attention this year. And hey, maybe it's my fault! Maybe I focused on the wrong things, maybe I caused some or all of the drama, maybe I lost some of that resilience I bragged about in 2003...who the hells know. All I know is that I really don't feel like I learned much about anything non-academic in 2005, which is sad, considering how different I feel from 2003 and 2004, but in any case, I think a recap of the major events for my own "beneficial reminiscence" (i used that phrase in 2003, and I really like it) is in order...

Well, I started off the year with Dave (for the second time). I don't think the fact that we got back together really surprised anyone, but I know is disappointed a lot of people. Dave is honestly the only mistake I've ever made that I honestly and truly wish I hadn't. All he ever did for me was lead to one disappointment after the next, make me incredibly bitter and he was the first person who ever actually got me to take my friends for granted, and that's something I still can't forgive myself for. Even though most of my friends were pretty upset (not necessarily at me, but because they knew I was wasting my time and being shit on, much like how I feel about a certain friend and his scumbag of a boyfriend right now :-x) they've just chalked it up to infatuation and first college love...but whatever, what I did and how I treated people while i was with Dave was stupid and should never have happened

And to make matters worse, I spend the next several months just being very bitter and jaded because of the whole ordeal. To be quite honest, Dave threw me outta my groove really badly, and I still hate him for it. I've always considered myself such a relationship driven person, and even though I still FEEL that way, every time something good or with true lasting potential has come along since then, I've snuffed it off and jumped ship, and it's shitty...but whatever, maybe it's a phase I'm in...we'll see

Frankly, from an academic standpoint, my first year at OSU sucked. I could've and should've done so much better than I did...I just didn't. It may have been laziness or apathy, but it was so below the standards I had for myself in high school, and at the time, I didn't even care. I still don't really (hey, i'm being honest tonight) but I'm starting to realise that I can push myself a little harder and still be happy. First quarter of my second year, while actually being the most intense and high-stress thus far, was actually my strongest so far, which makes very little sense, but I have a pretty different attitude about things this year...which may be a good thing...I guess we'll see where it gets me this Winter.

So, we come to this summer...which was a textbook example of duality. I was living and working with 16 other people I absolutely LOVED and having the time of my life almost every day, yet emotionally I was more battered, bruised and confused than I think I've ever been. I was still riding the bitterness wave, but I was trying so damn hard to make something happen...and every time I felt like something was going to work out, I got fucked over. At the height of it all I was betrayed by someone I considered to be a best friend...and in retrospect it was over someone/something pretty fucking menial anyway...but that's another story...I am very happy to say that Kyle and I are friends again, although I'm not sure that it'll ever be in the same capacity as before.

Mike was one really redeeming quality of this summer...but as in the past, things started to get comfortable and I freaked out...so yeah, that's how that went...

Unlike Dave though, everything that happened this Summer served a much-needed purpose and I consider it the best part of this year. My job was amazing...well not the work so much, but the people, the living situation, the everything...I met some amazing, amazing people and just had an amazing experience.

The first quarter of this year has come and gone, which is still hard to grasp. Like I said, it sucked schedule wise, but I survived and actually came out pretty far ahead. Emotionally, I've made A LOT of mistakes and I'm still feeling pretty bitter and jaded most of the time. The trouble is in the fact that I know I want something in terms of a relationship with someone, but all I've done this year is make it harder and harder for someone to get close to me...I'm fucked up, i know...

It seems like there was so much more to write about in 2003, but as I'm typing this now I really have nothing much else to touch on, I feel like I left out too many of the positives to be comfortable with this though, so...in the form of a list...here are my favourite things from 2005:

- Sara, Randy, Rebecca and Joanna
- My entire Summer with SCH...the very last night with Jenna, Joe and Jordan being my fave!
- All the drunken memories (well, things other people have told me ;])
- My new apartment and roomies that actually talk to me
- Katie Teubl

Now, you're probably thinking...that's it?!...and no, it's not. But those are the things that came to mind immediately that got me through this year, there were A LOT more positives this year, I just don't feel like elaborating! (Trust me, I left out A LOOOOOOT of negatives as well...)

So yeah, 2005 was by-and-large a year of mistakes. That is crystal clear to me. Some of them are very apparent and some of them probably aren't, and won't be for awhile, but what can I do about that, ya know? I've never ever been one to have "resolutions" for the new year, because no one fucking keeps them, and it's just a gestural thing as far as I'm concerned, but I honestly do have "goals" for 2006...and a short and incomplete list of them follows:

- FIRST AND FOREMOST: Drop the smoking thing..it's disgusting and i NEVER should've started
- Keep up the academic progress I'm making
- Regain and retain contact with people far away
- Keep up with the working out thing: I FAR excelled my expectations starting this school year and I want to keep it up
- There were a lot of...physical...mistakes made this year...I need to cut that shit out
- Love more
- Trust more
- Gossip less
- Hate less

So, that's it...all I have to say about 2005 right now...pretty uplifting isn't it?!...Honestly, I'll be surprised if anyone reads this all the way through anyhow, but hey, it's good to vent right.

If you did read all the way through this, I love you. If you didn't hey, I love you too! (See, I'm getting started on my "goals") I just want everyone to know that if you were disappointed in me in 2005...good! I was too! This coming year will be different, let's just hope I get my fucking act together and reclaim what I had two years ago...

"More love, I can hear our hearts cryin’
More love, I know that’s all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there’s ever an answer,
It’s more love"

- Kyle

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

"Let there always be neverending light..."

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 05:39:02 GMT

"Endless Skies" - VNV Nation

How many years since you found yourself
Staring at an endless sky?

Unaware of yourself
Who you are and where you're going
Only living
Only breathing
Losing all sense of time

The most fragile of things
Captivates and embraces you
Surrender and be witness
To this rarest of moments

You live within the sense of the order of things
What is truth
What is important
What defines you

No need to fear
No need to worry
About years that passed
About time you lost

Live seconds as a lifetime
Time it does not matter
You live within the sense
Of the stillness of time

...just think about it...that's all I ask. Who knew one band could ever or would continue to mean so much to me...it's just incredible?

VICTORY
NOT
VENGEANCE

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 18:13:53 GMT

So, the past couple days have been pretty really fun. I worked 7-3 Wednesday, and the shift actually went by really, really fast....I've decided I really like working with Alex...and I'm very, very excited about living with her next year! After work I just lazed around for awhile and then decided to go visit my friend Mike and get some coffee at Brenen's in the arch building. That was fun, and I got a free coffee out of it! :) Mike is a fun guy....in the interest of avoiding a jinx and another situation like the rest of this summer...I'm going to leave it at that, and just go with the flow...

Well, Jenna and I went to dinner around 6, during which we decided that we needed to get some people together to play cards and hang out or whatever...and of course, that there needed to be Vodka involved. At first it really seemed like no one was coming. It was just Jenna, Mike, Alex and I just sitting around playing cards...which was fun. Well, we eventually got a hold of a few more people and all in all Alex, Jenna, Mike (not part of SCH), Stephanie, Jesse, Patricia, Mbabndah, Joe, Orossica (I think), Rachel, Averel, Tim, April (not SCH) and Tammy all made appearances...it was SO much fun. Our Vodka run to CVS screaming the lyrics to songs from "Wicked" was hysterical!...I definitely said some things I really shouldn't have, in front of exactly the people that didn't need to hear them, but I think my ass was covered fairly well. Needless to say, my room is TRASHED right now...and interestingly enough there are some things in here that I can't quite explain....namely a bag with two shirts in it from Express Men, a box of Swiss Cake Rolls and a pizza....um, wtf? All in all a GREAT night, however, and I definitely love the people I work with!

Luckily, I'm off today...a day of recovery and cleaning is definitely in order. Other than that I don't really have any concrete plans for the day/evening...Unfortunately, though, I work Commons Shift (roughly 7-9, 11-1 and 4-7) Friday-Sunday which SUCKS because even though you only end up working 3-4 hours a day, it's stretched out over 12 hours and ruins your entire day and keeps you from really being able to go out the night before.....gah! I'll survive though, I have Monday and Tuesday off! This summer is flying by so fast...it's scary!

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:13:13 GMT

I guess, I'm somewhat morally obligated to update, since I put this "layout" up like 5 hours ago and then just did nothing....

So yeah, it's been well over 3 months since I last updated. Honestly, I don't even know how I feel about it. I just kinda detached from this place...like...woah! I still read my LJ friends page like every day, I just never really had anything I felt like saying. It's weird to look back and see how attached I was and just how much, not only this, but enigma in general meant to me. I guess it still does, because even less so now than a few years ago, like 1 in every 12 bajillion kids owns a domain, so I guess that's kinda cool...but like, I just have so many other things I've found to waste my time on, that webdesign, etc. just doesn't captivate me like it used to...but maybe it's all a big cycle of phases, who knows...um...I wanna say enigma is up for expiration again this August, but I might be off by a year...I know I'll renew it, but who knows about after that...

What can I say, theres no way I could sum up whats happened in the past 90 days in a single post...and I really shouldn't burden anyone who might actually be taking the time to read this with an attempt to do so. I finished my first year of college...that itself is a major step I guess...it was hard saying bye to everyone, but I know I'll see them again...in fact, in the past week I've actually seen most of the people I spent the majority of my time with, so it's been really nice...I'm excited about next year and living off-campus and all, but having this summer break from academia is very welcome! The job here @ Conference Services is going pretty well, even if I do have the most retarded schedule ever...hey, I get payed salary to sit around...it works out!

I've gone through a lot of CRAP with guys in the past month...like moreso than I could ever have imagined fitting into a single month actually! I'm truly and honestly disgusted with the male sex and this point, and I really want nothing to do with them...except the problem is that I actually do, and I just keep getting trampled on over and over again, when I'm already down...Maybe I should learn a lesson and just take a break...Yeah, maybe I'll do that. I need an excuse to work on myself for awhile...mentally and physically....hmm...a boy break....I need to sleep on this, but it's sounding like a good idea...

Who knows? Emotionally this summer is turning out to be pretty craptastic, but I guess I do feel guilty complaining...I got lucky getting this job, I have a lot of really good friends here who truly care about me, and I don't NEED a boy to keep me happy...so why do I act that way...eh, because I'm human, dammit!

Whatever, I don't feel like blabbing about this anymore...sorry to come back on such a quasi-angry note...not that anyone's reading this anyway....Yeah, and I don't wanna talk about the layout either, I know it's shit...and its PINK!...whatever, I just threw something together because I didn't think it would be proper to come back after 3 months and try to act like things were the same as when I made that last layout...

[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:54:47 GMT

Ok, so this has been bothering me for a couple days...so I need you guys to help me out...read the following (very) short story I've translated and comment with your reaction!...The entire thing is one big metaphor, and my interpretation is very specific, but I've heard some other really cool ones...just let me know!

[Und an meine Deutsche: Ok, Ich hab das originale deutsche Version auch gepostet, weil es ein paar Wörter gibt, die ich nicht verstehen könnte....Wenn Einer von Ihnen die Geschichte als MP3 downloaden könnte und mir die Korrektur geben, würde ich dich für immer lieben!! ;)]

_______________

"The Bomb That Doesn't Tick"

I wear the bomb on my body. Does it move? It is cold, hard and inhuman. Sometimes the bomb tries to get away. It compels me to be at my capacity, to focus, to the center of all my feelings, behaviours and thoughts. I won't let it go. It counts on me. It wants something from me. But what? My warmth or security? I don't know. The bomb...where did i put it? Oh yeah, there it is. I thought I had forgotten it. That would be fatal! Truly fatal! But it's right there, right? My bomb. Just what would I do without it? It's kind of funny, yesterday I had a life without it. Then I activated it at exactly 10:16pm. Activited it as ____________. Now I feel hounded. It's on. I feel like it's watching. Am I neurotic now? Anyway, it's my fault. I activated it! I threw myself into this chaos. Life with a bomb, how dumb and naïve! And somewhat _____. Anyway, ______. Is it on? Is it still ticking? I have to check. Yeah, yeah...it's on and it's ticking. Quietly, kind of ominously, like heartbeats, only much quieter. I'm trying not to pay attention to it anymore. I have better things to do. But for some reason, I just can't do it! Why?! It's just a bomb! What can a bomb do, right?...Actually a lot! Damage! Yeah, it can damage things! So much damage! That's why it's here! That's why it was made...to damage us...everyone who carries one around, not just me. I don't need it anymore....I willingly got it! It was totally easy...just sign, take it with you and you're done! Yeah, and no one told me that this thing could tick! Why? It's just logical, right?....Oh, I could've left it at home. Just like that, then no one would be able to hear this ticking, but what would happen when it stopped ticking?! Yeah, you could just not take it along...but that's kind of stupid...I have it with me!....The inspectors do tests..."Yeah, it's active and watching."...calm....nothing! The inspector _____. Just great! _______. That's enough! It's not continuing on like this. I'm just anyone, I'm not leaving myself no where to go! I'm gonna try to turn it off...really quick, with the push of a button....Can it be? It's not ticking anymore!! Is this better? No, no...now it's getting worse...it's not ticking anymore, just _____. No solution, now it's starting to hurt. Why? Whose fault? Mine, just mine! Ok...what does this mean? Meaning for me signifies....interpretation. Interpretation is a bomb...Ok, I'm turning it back on...Ah, it's ticking again...louder than before, but no one's calling me!

_______________

"Die Bombe Die Nicht Tickt"

Ich trage die Bombe an meinem Körper. Bewegt sie sich? Sie ist kalt, hart und unmenschlich. Manchmal versucht die Bombe loszuwerden. Sie zwingt mich zieht zum Inhalt, zum Mittelpunkt zu machen, zum Mittelpunkt all meiner Gefühle, Handlung und Gedanken. Ich werd' sie nicht los. Sie zärt(?) an mir. Sie will etwas von mir. Nur was? Meine Wärme oder Sicherheit? Ich weiß es nicht. Die bombe...wo hab' ich sie? Ah ja...da ist sie, ja. Ich dachte ich hatt' sie vergessen. Das wäre fatal. Wirklich fatal! Aber da ist sie, ja? Meine Bombe. Was würde ich nur ohne sie machen? Irgendwie komisch! Gestern gab's noch ein Leben ohne sie. Dann hab' ich sie aktiviert, genau um 22:16. Aktiviert als _____________________. Jetzt fühl' ich mich gehetzt. Sie ist an. Ich fühle wie sie lauert. Bin ich jetzt neurotisch? Auf jedenfall ist es meine Schuld. Ich hab' sie aktiviert. Hab' mich selbstens Chaos gestürzt. Leben mit einer Bombe, wie dumm und naiv! Und doch irgendwie ______. Auf jedenfall ______. Ist sie an? Tickt sie noch? Ich muss mal nachschauen. Ja, ja...sie ist an und tickt. Leise, 'Was bedrohlich. Wie Herzklopfen, nur viel leiser. Ich versuche sie nicht mehr zu beachten. Ich hab' besseres zu tun. Doch irgendwie geliebt mir das nicht. Warum, es ist nur eine Bombe? Was kann eine Bombe schon anrichten? Ziemlich viel! Schaden! Ja, Schaden kann sie anrichten. Sehr viel Schaden. Dafür ist sie auch da! Dafür würde sie auch gemacht...uns zu schaden! Jeden die sie sicher umträgt. Nur mir nicht! Ich brauchte sie ja nicht mehr. Hab' sie mir freiwillig zu überlegt. War ganz einfach: unterschreiben, mitnehmen, fertig! Hatt' mir auch keiner gesagt, dass dieses Ding ticken könnt'! Warum? Ist das logisch, oder?...Hätt' sie auch zu Hause lassen können! Einfach so, dann wäre niemand das Ticken hören können. Aber was wäre, wenn sie mir irgendwann nicht mehr tickt? Mann kriegt das vielleicht gar nicht mit. Ist aber schön blöd. Ich hab' sie ja dabei! Die Prüfer machen Teste. "Ja, sie ist aktiv und lauert. Stille. Nichts!" Der Prüfer ____, Na super, _____. Das reicht! So geht das nicht weiter. Ich bin noch nicht irgendwer. Ich lass' mich doch nicht Gänge. Ich versuche sie abzuschalten. Nur ganz kurz. Ein Knopfdruck, so, geschafft! Könnte sein?! Sie tickt nicht mehr! Jetzt besser? Nein, nein. Jetzt wird's schlimmer! Sie tickt ja nicht mehr, nur ____. Keine Erlösung, es fängt an, Weh zu tun! Warum? Schuldig? Ich...Ich bin's allein! Ja klar! Bedeutung? Bedeutung bedeutet für mich...Deutung. Deutung ist eine Bombe. Ich schalt' sie wieder ein. Ah, sie tickt wieder...lauter als vorher, doch niemand ruft mich an!

Mon, 09 May 2005 22:56:25 GMT

Your Birthdate: February 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.

You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.

You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.

Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.

A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.

You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.

Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I agree!! :)